A near-death experience

Near-Assassin: Katie Dahm

Look at her, isn't she sweet? It seems that she wouldn't hurt a FLY and yet about a month ago, she made an attempt on my life. Oh sure she'll argue that it was an honest mistake, but I assure you that I'll never repeat that "mistake" hike again.

It was a crisp winter afternoon when Katie and I decided to explore the Greenbelt in southwest Austin. The concept of the Greenbelt confuses me because it seems any trail surrounded by greenery is lumped into this Greenbelt classification...I digress. I seem to do that a lot on my blog.

Conspirator: Gomez Dahm

Gomez (Katie's gentle giant of a pooch), Katie, and I set out sans well-charged mobile devices, proper winter attire, snacks, flashlights...you get the picture. We were slightly underprepared. I now realize this was all part of her master plan.

me: "Katie, should I bring my sweatshirt?"

Katie: "I don't think you'll need it. We'll be exercising and probably warm up quickly."

me: "Katie, should I bring a day's worth of supplies just in case?"

Katie: "Gomez will keep us safe."

And so at 4:15 we journeyed on through the fog, er forest. As we walked, Katie explained that she'd trekked this trail with a mutual friend of ours (Ross) and felt pretty confident, despite the apparent lack of trailheads, landmarks, signage, lighting... I must admit that it seemed easy at first, though I felt like we still should have pulled a Jennifer Connelly circa Labyrinth and made arrows with tinted chapstick on the trees. Sigh.

We decided that we would walk 30-45 minutes into the forest and then trace our steps back to Katie's car. The walk in was pleasant enough. Gomez would periodically trot ahead and then wait for us to catch up. We bonded over talk the way girls often do and I was really enjoying myself. The sun was starting to set, but who cared? I didn't! Yet.

We turned around at the creek and began to head home. 15 minutes into our walk back we started to question our surroundings. Well, at least I did.

me: "Katie, do you remember this tree?"

Katie: "Yeah, yeah...we just turn right over here...by the rock pile."

me (still impressionable): "Hmmm...okay."

Twenty minutes after that yielded less light and more confusion.

me: "I don't remember this grassy field, do you?"

Katie: "No, but this is where Gomez and I are going to feed you to the wolves."

Okay, so it didn't exactly happen that way. Lost in the field with limited light, take two.

me: "I don't remember this grassy field, do you?"

Katie: "Um, no. Should I call someone?"

me: "Who? Smokey the Bear?"

I think at this point Katie was starting to get a little freaked out, too. Speed walking through the trail turned into jogging, which lead to running and finally downright sprinting. We were whipping around the corners and only complicating our coordinates. We are passing bits of ripped clothing, forgotten shoes, and I am aware that my short 31 years might end here. Good bye, friends and family. Good bye UT. Good bye student loan debt. We still have about 10% battery life on Katie's phone, so we call for help while we still can.

Katie (on the phone): "Ross, we are lost. Where are we? On the trail we hiked a few weeks ago. Do we know where we are? Of course not-that's why we're calling! Stop laughing-this is NOT funny. You have to help us. We are going to die."

At this point, we are lost in a forest and it's completely dark. You might not know this about me, but I scare easy. As in, I was already a little scared before we entered the trail in daylight. As in, at this point I am terrified and my teeth are chattering. I try not to let on that I am about to pee in my pants with anxiety and fear, but it's true. Katie and Ross are still talking as I am making peace with the last moments of my life. Somehow, by some stroke of magical compass, Ross locates us. I don't quite understand modern day iPhone technology, but I think the mighty iPhone was used to track our location and lead us to safety. Finally, after several minutes of mentally bargaining with all entities I could brainstorm in case one of them overhears, the unicorns (I KNEW God was a unicorn) lead us to safety. We spy a sidewalk and we're headed home! Except that we're actually in the middle of a random neighborhood and have no idea where we parked.

This adventure is much less frightening until we find ourselves on the top of a small hill overlooking Katie's car. We see a truck pull up next to Katie's car in an empty parking lot. A man emerges and looks like he's too close to her car for comfort. Great-we made it out of the forest only to witness our eventual robbery. We decide to walk down the hill and pretend Katie's car does not belong to us so we can scope out the scene of the crime. By the time we're down the hill, there is no longer a man near her car. Nope, that 6'3 man has walked into the woods and is approaching us CARRYING A GIANT TREE BRANCH. You know, the kind you might use to kill someone. Then, the strangest thing happened.

Katie, all 5 feet, 95 lbs. of her, turns and walks TOWARD the man. Even more incredulously, she says hello to him! KATHERINE DAHM, are you out of your damn mind?? The man appears startled and sort of stops and waits for us to pass. I beg Katie silently to unlock her car and when she does, I fly into the passenger seat. As we drive away, Katie explains that her slight confrontation was intentional and informed from a past experience when she was nearly attacked. Evidently if you face your criminal you have a better chance of throwing him/her off previous plans to kill/hurt/rob you. Kids, don't try this at home.

Finally, we make it back home, make it a Blockbuster night and thank our lucky stars.

Even though this was more than a month ago, my heart is still racing a little. Dear blog readers, that's the story of how I almost died via a Greenbelt hike and as avid, interested followers of my life, I thought you should know.

Happy birthday, Katie! :)